Why the public masses might think the way they do about us jewelers...  We must remember as jewelers that Netites and the public have instant memory recall to traumatization, especially when experiences are linked with separation anxiety involving their money, their pride, and their jewelry. We know that their fears are based upon mere hallucinations and that bad things never happen in any profession, especially ours.

We as an industry have been unjustly targeted by untouchable media giants who have aired sensational in-depth consumer alert T.V. specials on a regular basis. We wish they would use better actors, because those old, washed-up, bubble-headed, soap-opera has-been's, are a poor reflection upon our industry... They don't even play sleazy, disreputable jewelers well. Leave it to the media to destroy our good names just for the sake of their ratings... They're not even playing fair. Everybody knows that the mere mention of the word "Jeweler" on television causes mass hysteria amongst the public because of the emotions created during every special moment that jewelry is given to commemorate.

No doubt, the recent show about gem treatments was yet another test by the government to see whether "JR-19" is still effective... What do you mean, "What is JR-19?" How could you forget? It's a well known fact that the government has been putting a red colored, mind altering chemical called "Jeweler Repellent #19" in our drinking water. JR-19 is a virtually undetectable chemical that produces mass hallucinations, extreme paranoia, irrational tantrumatical behavior, and yes, violence in many cases towards jewelers. Nobody knows for sure why the government would want to do such a thing, but we do know that JR-19 is produced and stored by the CIA in a place called "Area 51" located on an Air Force base in Rachel, Nevada. Production began in the late 1950's and government testing on humans began in the early 1960's. It is a well known fact that the Air Force created special cylindrical shaped space ships, err, we mean airplanes, to transport JR-19 to destinations that can not be reached via the underground rail system which stems from underneath Area 51.

JR-19 was originally tested in Mexico and to this day it's early side effects are commonly referred to as "Montezuma's Revenge"... Males subjected to prolonged exposure to this chemical develop "2 Months Salary Syndrome" which if left untreated can develop into the "3 Months Salary Syndrome" which is a variation of the strain that began in Asia right around the time that marketing "agents" from DeBeers were reportedly seen fleeing the region in rickshas. Symptoms of psychosis include:

• Frantic tendencies to crunch numbers.
• Feelings of inadequacy, anxiety and paranoia.
• Irrational urges to increase credit card limits.
• Senseless babbling about airline miles and sales tax.
• Testosteric urges to conquer the diamond world...
• Delusions that 100% of the diamond sale is profit.
• Unreasonable expectations and fixations about size...
• Rapid panting, sweaty palms, blurred vision, seeing spots before their eyes.
• Unexplained weight gain and water retention.
• Full Moon Mania, PMS, and mood swings.

JR-19 is directly responsible for many of histories most heinous events. For instance, many historians believe that the Vietnam War was started over a watch battery that didn't work. It seems that while President Kennedy was having the battery in his watch replaced at Ho Chi Minh & Sons Jewelers, he consumed about three cups of ginseng tea made with tap water containing JR-19. When the watch battery stopped working about an hour and a half later, the President returned to the store to find it closed with a note on the door indicating that Ho Chi Minh and his sons had returned to their homeland in Vietnam to visit their family. Hallucinating like a mad raving dog and feeling quite cheated, the President sent 16,000 troops to Vietnam to ferret out Ho Chi Minh and get back his five bucks. The rest is history.

Unfortunately, jewelers have been drinking the same water as the public which makes trade shows quite interesting! We suggest our clients drink only purified water and preferably water which has been distilled. Bottled water is not acceptable because it is nothing more than tap water that rushed out of a garden hose into a bottle at a processing plant which is licensed by the government... You do see the correlation, don't you?  You must only drink water which has been distilled, only distilled water will do.  Trust us, we have been drinking distilled water for ten years now and have clear insight into the matter. Sure, we know this sounds a bit far fetched, but it was on the X-Files last week. JR-19 is the real cause of Scully's nosebleeds... Didn't you see it? Think about it, why else would the government suggest you drink 8 - 10 glasses of water a day when they make more money off the taxes that the collect if you buy a soft drink?  The carbination in soda neautralizes the effects of JR-19 which is why the government wants you to drink 8 - 10 glasses of water a day regardless of how many 64 ounce slurpees you slurp down.  This too was covered on last weeks episode of the X-Files.  You would know this if you watched more television.  Fact: Everything that you see on television is true, especially the news... Which by the way, Stephen Colbert has assured us is completely impartial.  Fact: Stephen Colbert drinks 8 - 10 glasses of tap water per day, everybody who we listen to does because the hallucinations make them more interesting.